Psmith, Journalist Read online

  CHAPTER IX

  FULL STEAM AHEAD

  When Psmith returned to the office, he found Billy Windsor in thedoorway, just parting from a thick-set young man, who seemed to beexpressing his gratitude to the editor for some good turn. He wasshaking him warmly by the hand.

  Psmith stood aside to let him pass.

  "An old college chum, Comrade Windsor?" he asked.

  "That was Kid Brady."

  "The name is unfamiliar to me. Another contributor?"

  "He's from my part of the country--Wyoming. He wants to fight anyone in the world at a hundred and thirty-three pounds."

  "We all have our hobbies. Comrade Brady appears to have selected asomewhat exciting one. He would find stamp-collecting lessexacting."

  "It hasn't given him much excitement so far, poor chap," said BillyWindsor. "He's in the championship class, and here he has beenpottering about New York for a month without being able to get afight. It's always the way in this rotten East," continued Billy,warming up as was his custom when discussing a case of oppressionand injustice. "It's all graft here. You've got to let half a dozenbrutes dip into every dollar you earn, or you don't get a chance.If the kid had a manager, he'd get all the fights he wanted. Andthe manager would get nearly all the money. I've told him that wewill back him up."

  "You have hit it, Comrade Windsor," said Psmith with enthusiasm."_Cosy Moments_ shall be Comrade Brady's manager. We will give him amuch-needed boost up in our columns. A sporting section is what thepaper requires more than anything."

  "If things go on as they've started, what it will require stillmore will be a fighting-editor. Pugsy tells me you had visitorswhile I was out."

  "A few," said Psmith. "One or two very entertaining fellows.Comrades Asher, Philpotts, and others. I have just been giving thema bite of lunch at the Knickerbocker."

  "Lunch!"

  "A most pleasant little lunch. We are now as brothers. I fear Ihave made you perhaps a shade unpopular with our late contributors;but these things must be. We must clench our teeth and face themmanfully. If I were you, I think I should not drop in at the houseof Comrade Asher and the rest to take pot-luck for some little timeto come. In order to soothe the squad I was compelled to curse youto some extent."

  "Don't mind me."

  "I think I may say I didn't."

  "Say, look here, you must charge up the price of that lunch to theoffice. Necessary expenses, you know."

  "I could not dream of doing such a thing, Comrade Windsor. Thewhole affair was a great treat to me. I have few pleasures. ComradeAsher alone was worth the money. I found his society intenselyinteresting. I have always believed in the Darwinian theory.Comrade Asher confirmed my views."

  They went into the inner office. Psmith removed his hat and coat.

  "And now once more to work," he said. "Psmith the _flaneur_ of FifthAvenue ceases to exist. In his place we find Psmith the hard-headedsub-editor. Be so good as to indicate a job of work for me,Comrade Windsor. I am champing at my bit."

  Billy Windsor sat down, and lit his pipe.

  "What we want most," he said thoughtfully, "is some big topic.That's the only way to get a paper going. Look at _Everybody'sMagazine_. They didn't amount to a row of beans till Lawson startedhis 'Frenzied Finance' articles. Directly they began, the wholecountry was squealing for copies. _Everybody's_ put up their pricefrom ten to fifteen cents, and now they lead the field."

  "The country must squeal for _Cosy Moments_," said Psmith firmly. "Ifancy I have a scheme which may not prove wholly scaly. Wanderingyesterday with Comrade Jackson in a search for Fourth Avenue, Ihappened upon a spot called Pleasant Street. Do you know it?"

  Billy Windsor nodded.

  "I went down there once or twice when I was a reporter. It's abeastly place."

  "It is a singularly beastly place. We went into one of the houses."

  "They're pretty bad."

  "Who owns them?"

  "I don't know. Probably some millionaire. Those tenement housesare about as paying an investment as you can have."

  "Hasn't anybody ever tried to do anything about them?"

  "Not so far as I know. It's pretty difficult to get at thesefellows, you see. But they're fierce, aren't they, those houses!"

  "What," asked Psmith, "is the precise difficulty of getting atthese merchants?"

  "Well, it's this way. There are all sorts of laws about the places,but any one who wants can get round them as easy as falling off alog. The law says a tenement house is a building occupied by morethan two families. Well, when there's a fuss, all the man has to dois to clear out all the families but two. Then, when the inspectorfellow comes along, and says, let's say, 'Where's your runningwater on each floor? That's what the law says you've got to have,and here are these people having to go downstairs and out of doorsto fetch their water supplies,' the landlord simply replies,'Nothing doing. This isn't a tenement house at all. There are onlytwo families here.' And when the fuss has blown over, back come therest of the crowd, and things go on the same as before."

  "I see," said Psmith. "A very cheery scheme."

  "Then there's another thing. You can't get hold of the man who'sreally responsible, unless you're prepared to spend thousandsferreting out evidence. The land belongs in the first place to somecorporation or other. They lease it to a lessee. When there's afuss, they say they aren't responsible, it's up to the lessee. Andhe lies so low that you can't find out who he is. It's all justlike the East. Everything in the East is as crooked as PearlStreet. If you want a square deal, you've got to come out Wyomingway."

  "The main problem, then," said Psmith, "appears to be the discoveryof the lessee, lad? Surely a powerful organ like _Cosy Moments_, withits vast ramifications, could bring off a thing like that?"

  "I doubt it. We'll try, anyway. There's no knowing but what we mayhave luck."

  "Precisely," said Psmith. "Full steam ahead, and trust to luck. Thechances are that, if we go on long enough, we shall eventuallyarrive somewhere. After all, Columbus didn't know that Americaexisted when he set out. All he knew was some highly interestingfact about an egg. What that was, I do not at the moment recall,but it bucked Columbus up like a tonic. It made him fizz ahead likea two-year-old. The facts which will nerve us to effort are two. Inthe first place, we know that there must be some one at the bottomof the business. Secondly, as there appears to be no law of libelwhatsoever in this great and free country, we shall be enabled tohaul up our slacks with a considerable absence of restraint."

  "Sure," said Billy Windsor. "Which of us is going to write thefirst article?"

  "You may leave it to me, Comrade Windsor. I am no hardened oldjournalist, I fear, but I have certain qualifications for the post.A young man once called at the office of a certain newspaper, andasked for a job. 'Have you any special line?' asked the editor.'Yes,' said the bright lad, 'I am rather good at invective.' 'Anyspecial kind of invective?' queried the man up top. 'No,' repliedour hero, 'just general invective.' Such is my own case, ComradeWindsor. I am a very fair purveyor of good, general invective. Andas my visit to Pleasant Street is of such recent date, I amtolerably full of my subject. Taking full advantage of thebenevolent laws of this country governing libel, I fancy I willproduce a screed which will make this anonymous lessee feel as ifhe had inadvertently seated himself upon a tin-tack. Give me penand paper, Comrade Windsor, instruct Comrade Maloney to suspend hiswhistling till such time as I am better able to listen to it; and Ithink we have got a success."