Right Ho, Jeeves Read online

  -3-

  The first of the telegrams arrived shortly after noon, and Jeeves broughtit in with the before-luncheon snifter. It was from my Aunt Dahlia,operating from Market Snodsbury, a small town of sorts a mile or twoalong the main road as you leave her country seat.

  It ran as follows:

  _Come at once. Travers._

  And when I say it puzzled me like the dickens, I am understating it; ifanything. As mysterious a communication, I considered, as was everflashed over the wires. I studied it in a profound reverie for the bestpart of two dry Martinis and a dividend. I read it backwards. I read itforwards. As a matter of fact, I have a sort of recollection of evensmelling it. But it still baffled me.

  Consider the facts, I mean. It was only a few hours since this aunt and Ihad parted, after being in constant association for nearly two months.And yet here she was--with my farewell kiss still lingering on her cheek,so to speak--pleading for another reunion. Bertram Wooster is notaccustomed to this gluttonous appetite for his society. Ask anyone whoknows me, and they will tell you that after two months of my company,what the normal person feels is that that will about do for the present.Indeed, I have known people who couldn't stick it out for more than a fewdays.

  Before sitting down to the well-cooked, therefore, I sent this reply:

  _Perplexed. Explain. Bertie._

  To this I received an answer during the after-luncheon sleep:

  _What on earth is there to be perplexed about, ass? Come at once.Travers._

  Three cigarettes and a couple of turns about the room, and I had myresponse ready:

  _How do you mean come at once? Regards. Bertie._

  I append the comeback:

  _I mean come at once, you maddening half-wit. What did you think I meant?Come at once or expect an aunt's curse first post tomorrow. Love.Travers._

  I then dispatched the following message, wishing to get everything quiteclear:

  _When you say "Come" do you mean "Come to Brinkley Court"? And when yousay "At once" do you mean "At once"? Fogged. At a loss. All the best.Bertie._

  I sent this one off on my way to the Drones, where I spent a restfulafternoon throwing cards into a top-hat with some of the better element.Returning in the evening hush, I found the answer waiting for me:

  _Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It doesn't matter whether youunderstand or not. You just come at once, as I tell you, and for heaven'ssake stop this back-chat. Do you think I am made of money that I canafford to send you telegrams every ten minutes. Stop being a fathead andcome immediately. Love. Travers._

  It was at this point that I felt the need of getting a second opinion. Ipressed the bell.

  "Jeeves," I said, "a V-shaped rumminess has manifested itself from thedirection of Worcestershire. Read these," I said, handing him the papersin the case.

  He scanned them.

  "What do you make of it, Jeeves?"

  "I think Mrs. Travers wishes you to come at once, sir."

  "You gather that too, do you?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "I put the same construction on the thing. But why, Jeeves? Dash it all,she's just had nearly two months of me."

  "Yes, sir."

  "And many people consider the medium dose for an adult two days."

  "Yes, sir. I appreciate the point you raise. Nevertheless, Mrs. Traversappears very insistent. I think it would be well to acquiesce in herwishes."

  "Pop down, you mean?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Well, I certainly can't go at once. I've an important conference on atthe Drones tonight. Pongo Twistleton's birthday party, you remember."

  "Yes, sir."

  There was a slight pause. We were both recalling the littleunpleasantness that had arisen. I felt obliged to allude to it.

  "You're all wrong about that mess jacket, Jeeves."

  "These things are matters of opinion, sir."

  "When I wore it at the Casino at Cannes, beautiful women nudged oneanother and whispered: 'Who is he?'"

  "The code at Continental casinos is notoriously lax, sir."

  "And when I described it to Pongo last night, he was fascinated."

  "Indeed, sir?"

  "So were all the rest of those present. One and all admitted that I hadgot hold of a good thing. Not a dissentient voice."

  "Indeed, sir?"

  "I am convinced that you will eventually learn to love this mess-jacket,Jeeves."

  "I fear not, sir."

  I gave it up. It is never any use trying to reason with Jeeves on theseoccasions. "Pig-headed" is the word that springs to the lips. One sighsand passes on.

  "Well, anyway, returning to the agenda, I can't go down to Brinkley Courtor anywhere else yet awhile. That's final. I'll tell you what, Jeeves.Give me form and pencil, and I'll wire her that I'll be with her sometime next week or the week after. Dash it all, she ought to be able tohold out without me for a few days. It only requires will power."

  "Yes, sir."

  "Right ho, then. I'll wire 'Expect me tomorrow fortnight' or words tosome such effect. That ought to meet the case. Then if you will toddleround the corner and send it off, that will be that."

  "Very good, sir."

  And so the long day wore on till it was time for me to dress for Pongo'sparty.

  Pongo had assured me, while chatting of the affair on the previous night,that this birthday binge of his was to be on a scale calculated tostagger humanity, and I must say I have participated in less fruityfunctions. It was well after four when I got home, and by that time I wasabout ready to turn in. I can just remember groping for the bed andcrawling into it, and it seemed to me that the lemon had scarcely touchedthe pillow before I was aroused by the sound of the door opening.

  I was barely ticking over, but I contrived to raise an eyelid.

  "Is that my tea, Jeeves?"

  "No, sir. It is Mrs. Travers."

  And a moment later there was a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and therelative had crossed the threshold at fifty m.p.h. under her own steam.