The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1: (Jeeves & Wooster): No.1 Read online

  Well, if that was the attitude he was proposing to adopt, well, I mean to say. My geniality waned. I drew myself up coldly, at the same time raising a stiff eyebrow. And I was just about to work off the old To-what-am-I-indebted-for-this-visit gag, when he chipped in ahead of me.

  ‘You ought to be certified!’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘You’re a public menace. For weeks, it appears, you have been making life a hell for all your neighbours with some hideous musical instrument. I see you have it with you now. How dare you play that thing in a respectable block of flats? Infernal din!’

  I remained cool and dignified.

  ‘Did you say “infernal din”?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Oh? Well, let me tell you that the man that hath no music in himself …’ I stepped to the door. ‘Jeeves,’ I called down the passage, ‘what was it Shakespeare said the man who hadn’t music in himself was fit for?’

  ‘Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.’

  ‘Thank you, Jeeves. Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils,’ I said, returning.

  He danced a step or two.

  ‘Are you aware that the occupant of the flat below, Mrs Tinkler-Moulke, is one of my patients, a woman in a highly nervous condition. I have had to give her a sedative.’

  I raised a hand.

  ‘Spare the gossip from the loony-bin,’ I said distantly. ‘Might I inquire, on my side, if you are aware that Mrs Tinkler-Moulke owns a Pomeranian?’

  ‘Don’t drivel.’

  ‘I am not drivelling. This animal yaps all day and not infrequently far into the night. So Mrs Tinkler-Moulke has had the nerve to complain of my banjolele, has she? Ha! Let her first pluck out the Pom which is in her own eye,’ I said, becoming a bit scriptural.

  He chafed visibly.

  ‘I am not here to talk about dogs. I wish for your assurance that you will immediately cease annoying this unfortunate woman.’

  I shook the head.

  ‘I am sorry she is a cold audience, but my art must come first.’

  ‘That is your final word, is it?’

  ‘It is.’

  ‘Very good. You will hear more of this.’

  ‘And Mrs Tinkler-Moulke will hear more of this,’ I replied, brandishing the banjolele.

  I touched the buzzer.

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘show Sir R. Glossop out!’

  I confess that I was well pleased with the manner in which I had comported myself during this clash of wills. There was a time, you must remember, when the sudden appearance of old Glossop in my sitting-room would have been enough to send me bolting for cover like a rabbit. But since then I had passed through the furnace, and the sight of him no longer filled me with a nameless dread. With a good deal of quiet self-satisfaction I proceeded to play ‘The Wedding of the Painted Doll’, ‘Singin’ in the Rain’, ‘Three Little Words’, ‘Goodnight, Sweetheart’, ‘My Love Parade’, ‘Spring is Here’, ‘Whose Baby are You?’ and part of ‘I Want an Automobile with a Horn that Goes Toot-Toot’, in the order named: and it was as I was approaching the end of this last number that the telephone rang.

  I went to the instrument and stood listening. And, as I listened, my face grew hard and set.

  ‘Very good, Mr Manglehoffer,’ I said coldly. ‘You may inform Mrs Tinkler-Moulke and her associates that I choose the latter alternative.’

  I touched the bell.

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘there has been a spot of trouble.’

  ‘Indeed, sir?’

  ‘Unpleasantness is rearing its ugly head in Berkeley Mansions, W1. I note also a lack of give-and-take and an absence of the neighbourly spirit. I have just been talking to the manager of this building on the telephone, and he has delivered an ultimatum. He says I must either chuck playing the banjolele or clear out.’

  ‘Indeed, sir?’

  ‘Complaints, it would seem, have been lodged by the Honourable Mrs Tinkler-Moulke, of C6; by Lieutenant-Colonel J. J. Bustard, DSO, of B5; and Sir Everard and Lady Blennerhassett, of B7. All right. So be it. I don’t care. We shall be well rid of these Tinkler-Moulkes, these Bustards, and these Blennerhassetts. I leave them without a pang.’

  ‘You are proposing to move, sir?’

  I raised the eyebrows.

  ‘Surely, Jeeves, you cannot imagine that I ever considered any other course?’

  ‘But I fear you will encounter a similar hostility elsewhere, sir.’

  ‘Not where I am going. It is my intention to retire to the depths of the country. In some old-world sequestered nook I shall find a cottage, and there resume my studies.’

  ‘A cottage, sir?’

  ‘A cottage, Jeeves. If possible, honeysuckle-covered.’

  The next moment, you could have knocked me down with a toothpick. There was a brief pause, and then Jeeves, whom I have nurtured in my bosom, so to speak, for years and years and years, gave a sort of cough and there proceeded from his lips these incredible words:

  ‘In that case, I fear I must give my notice.’

  There was a tense silence. I stared at the man.

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, and you wouldn’t be far out in describing me as stunned, ‘did I hear you correctly?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘You actually contemplate leaving my entourage?’

  ‘Only with the greatest reluctance, sir. But if it is your intention to play that instrument within the narrow confines of a country cottage –’

  I drew myself up.

  ‘You say “that instrument”, Jeeves. And you say it in an unpleasant, soupy voice. Am I to understand that you dislike this banjolele?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘You’ve stood it all right up to now.’

  ‘With grave difficulty, sir.’

  ‘And let me tell you that better men than you have stood worse than banjoleles. Are you aware that a certain Bulgarian, Elia Gospodinoff, once played the bagpipes for twenty-four hours without a stop? Ripley vouches for this in his “Believe It Or Not”.’

  ‘Indeed, sir?’

  ‘Well, do you suppose Gospodinoff’s personal attendant kicked? A laughable idea. They are made of better stuff than that in Bulgaria. I am convinced that he was behind the young master from start to finish of his attempt on the Central European record, and I have no doubt frequently rallied round with ice packs and other restoratives. Be Bulgarian, Jeeves.’

  ‘No, sir. I fear I cannot recede from my position.’

  ‘But, dash it, you say you are receding from your position.’

  ‘I should have said, I cannot abandon the stand which I have taken.’

  ‘Oh.’

  I mused awhile.

  ‘You mean this, Jeeves?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘You have thought it all out carefully, weighing the pros and cons, balancing this against that?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘And you are resolved?’

  ‘Yes, sir. If it is really your intention to continue playing that instrument, I have no option but to leave.’

  The Wooster blood boiled over. Circumstances of recent years have so shaped themselves as to place this blighter in a position which you might describe as that of a domestic Mussolini: but, forgetting this and sticking simply to cold fact, what is Jeeves, after all? A valet. A salaried attendant. And a fellow simply can’t go on truckling – do I mean truckling? I know it begins with a ‘t’ – to his valet for ever. There comes a moment when he must remember that his ancestors did dashed well at the Battle of Crécy and put the old foot down. This moment had now arrived.

  ‘Then, leave, dash it!’

  ‘Very good, sir.’

  2

  * * *

  Chuffy

  I CONFESS THAT it was in sombre mood that I assembled the stick, the hat, and the lemon-coloured gloves some half-hour later and strode out in the streets of London. But though I did not care to think what existence would be like without Jeeves, I had no thought of weakening
. As I turned the corner into Piccadilly, I was a thing of fire and chilled steel; and I think in about another half-jiffy I should have been snorting, if not actually shouting the ancient battle cry of the Woosters, had I not observed on the skyline a familiar form.

  This familiar form was none other than that of my boyhood friend, the fifth Baron Chuffnell – the chap, if you remember, whose Aunt Myrtle I had seen the previous night hobnobbing with the hellhound, Glossop.

  The sight of him reminded me that I was in the market for a country cottage and that here was the very chap to supply same.

  I wonder if I have ever told you about Chuffy? Stop me if I have. He’s a fellow I’ve known more or less all my life, he and self having been at private school, Eton and Oxford together. We don’t see a frightful lot of one another nowadays, however, as he spends most of his time down at Chuffnell Regis on the coast of Somersetshire, where he owns an enormous great place with about a hundred and fifty rooms and miles of rolling parkland. Don’t run away, however, on the strength of this, with the impression that Chuffy is one of my wealthier cronies. He’s dashed hard up, poor bloke, like most fellows who own land, and only lives at Chuffnell Hall because he’s stuck with it and can’t afford to live anywhere else. If somebody came to him and offered to buy the place, he would kiss him on both cheeks. But who wants to buy a house that size in these times? He can’t even let it. So he sticks on there most of the year, with nobody to talk to except the local doctor and parson and his Aunt Myrtle and her twelve-year-old son, Seabury, who live at the Dower House in the park. A pretty mouldy existence for one who at the University gave bright promise of becoming one of the lads.

  Chuffy also owns the village of Chuffnell Regis – not that that does him much good, either. I mean to say, the taxes on the estate and all the expenses of repairs and what not come to pretty nearly as much as he gets out of the rents, making the thing more or less of a washout. Still, he is the landlord, and, as such, would doubtless have dozens of cottages at his disposal and probably be only too glad of the chance of easing one of them off on to a reputable tenant like myself.

  ‘You’re the very chap I wanted to see, Chuffy,’ I said accordingly, after our initial what-ho-ing. ‘Come right along with me to the Drones for a bite of lunch. I can put a bit of business in your way.’

  He shook his head, wistfully, I thought.

  ‘I’d like it, Bertie, but I’m due at the Carlton in five minutes. I’m lunching with a man.’

  ‘Give him a miss.’

  ‘I couldn’t.’

  ‘Well, bring him along, then, and we’ll make it a threesome.’

  Chuffy smiled rather wanly.

  ‘I don’t think you’d enjoy it, Bertie. He’s Sir Roderick Glossop.’

  I goggled. It’s always a bit of a shock, when you’ve just parted from Bloke A, to meet Bloke B and have Bloke B suddenly bring Bloke A into the conversation.

  ‘Sir Roderick Glossop?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But I didn’t know you knew him.’

  ‘I don’t, very well. Just met him a couple of times. He’s a great friend of my Aunt Myrtle.’

  ‘Ah! That explains it. I saw her dining with him last night.’

  ‘Well, if you come to the Carlton, you’ll see me lunching with him today.’

  ‘But, Chuffy, old man, is this wise? Is this prudent? It’s an awful ordeal breaking bread with this man. I know. I’ve done it.’

  ‘I dare say, but I’ve got to go through with it. I had an urgent wire from him yesterday, telling me to come up and see him without fail, and what I’m hoping is that he wants to take the Hall for the summer or knows somebody who does. He would hardly wire like that unless there was something up. No, I shall have to stick it, Bertie. But I’ll tell you what I will do. I’ll dine with you tomorrow night.’

  I would have been all for it, of course, had the circs been different, but I had to refuse. I had formed my plans and made my arrangements and they could not be altered.

  ‘I’m sorry, Chuffy. I’m leaving London tomorrow.’

  ‘You are?’

  ‘Yes. The management of the building where I reside has offered me the choice between clearing out immediately or ceasing to play the banjolele. I elected to do the former. I am going to take a cottage in the country somewhere, and that’s what I meant when I said I could put business in your way. Can you let me have a cottage?’

  ‘I can give you your choice of half a dozen.’

  ‘It must be quiet and secluded. I shall be playing the banjolele a good deal.’

  ‘I’ve got the very shack for you. On the edge of the harbour and not a neighbour within a mile except Police Sergeant Voules. And he plays the harmonium. You could do duets.’

  ‘Fine!’

  ‘And there’s a troupe of nigger minstrels down there this year. You could study their technique.’

  ‘Chuffy, it sounds like heaven. And we shall be able to see something of each other for a change.’

  ‘You don’t come playing your damned banjolele at the Hall.’

  ‘No, old man. But I’ll drop over to lunch with you most days.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Don’t mention it.’

  ‘By the way, what has Jeeves got to say about all this? I shouldn’t have thought he would have cared about leaving London.’

  I stiffened a little.

  ‘Jeeves has nothing to say on that or any other subject. We have parted brass-rags.’

  ‘What!’

  I had anticipated that the news would stagger him.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘from now on, Jeeves will take the high road and I’ll take the low road. He had the immortal rind to tell me that if I didn’t give up my banjolele he would resign. I accepted his portfolio.’

  ‘You’ve really let him go?’

  ‘I have.’

  ‘Well, well, well!’

  I waved a hand nonchalantly.

  ‘These things happen,’ I said. ‘I’m not pretending I’m pleased, of course, but I can bite the bullet. My self-respect would not permit me to accept the man’s terms. You can push a Wooster just so far. “Very good, Jeeves,” I said to him. “So be it. I shall watch your future career with considerable interest.” And that was that.’

  We walked on for a bit in silence.

  ‘So you’ve parted with Jeeves, have you?’ said Chuffy, in a thoughtful sort of voice. ‘Well, well, well! Any objection to my looking in and saying goodbye to him?’

  ‘None whatever.’

  ‘It would be a graceful act.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘I’ve always admired his intellect.’

  ‘Me too. No one more.’

  ‘I’ll go round to the flat after lunch.’

  ‘Follow the green line,’ I said, and my manner was airy and even careless. This parting of the ways with Jeeves had made me feel a bit as if I had just stepped on a bomb and was trying to piece myself together again in a bleak world, but we Woosters can keep the stiff upper lip.

  I lunched at the Drones and spent the afternoon there. I had much to think of. Chuffy’s news that there was a troupe of nigger minstrels performing on the Chuffnell Regis sands had definitely weighed the scale down on the side of the advantages of the place. The fact that I would be in a position to forgather with these experts and possibly pick up a hint or two from their banjoist on fingering and execution enabled me to bear with fortitude the prospect of being in a spot where I would probably have to meet the Dowager Lady Chuffnell and her son Seabury pretty frequently. I had often felt how tough it must be for poor old Chuffy having this pair of pustules popping in and out all the time. And in saying this I am looking straight at little Seabury, a child who should have been strangled at birth. I have no positive proof, but I have always been convinced that it was he who put the lizard in my bed the last time I stayed at the Hall.

  But, as I say, I was prepared to put up with this couple in return for the privilege of being in close communication with a
really hot banjoist, and most of these nigger minstrel chaps can pick the strings like nobody’s business. It was not, therefore, the thought of them which, as I returned to the flat to dress for dinner, was filling me with a strange moodiness.

  No. We Woosters can be honest with ourselves. What was giving me the pip was the reflection that Jeeves was about to go out of my life. There never had been anyone like Jeeves, I felt, as I climbed sombrely into the soup and fish, and there never would be. A wave of not unmanly sentiment poured over me. I was conscious of a pang. And when my toilet was completed and I stood before the mirror, surveying that perfectly pressed coat, those superbly creased trousers, I came to a swift decision.

  Abruptly, I went into the sitting-room and leaned on the bell.

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said. ‘A word.’

  ‘Yes, sir?’

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘touching on our conversation this morning.’

  ‘Yes, sir?’

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘I have been thinking things over. I have come to the conclusion that we have both been hasty. Let us forget the past. You may stay on.’

  ‘It is very kind of you, sir, but … are you still proposing to continue the study of that instrument?’

  I froze.

  ‘Yes, Jeeves, I am.’

  ‘Then I fear, sir …’

  It was enough. I nodded haughtily.

  ‘Very good, Jeeves. That is all. I will of course, give you an excellent recommendation.’

  ‘Thank you, sir. It will not be necessary. This afternoon I entered the employment of Lord Chuffnell.’

  I started.

  ‘Did Chuffy sneak round here this afternoon and scoop you in?’

  ‘Yes, sir. I go with him to Chuffnell Regis in about a week’s time.’

  ‘You do, do you? Well, it may interest you to know that I repair to Chuffnell Regis tomorrow.’

  ‘Indeed, sir?’

  ‘Yes. I have taken a cottage there. We shall meet at Philippi, Jeeves.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’